I’m not handling things well

Last week I had the positive pee test and the confirmation hCg level done.  The doc tried to find the sac on ultrasound, but it was too soon (and she said she “thought” she saw “something”).

Yesterday I met with a new OB, whom I’m really happy to say I liked.  When she did the u/s…nothing.  She tried to reassure me and said that my hcg level was probably about 900-1000 and that often an ultrasound image isn’t easily done before hcg reaches 1500.  So we did a blood test to find out where things were, but I wouldn’t get the results until today.

I came home and took a 4 hour nap followed by a complete emotional collapse.  Partially pregnancy hormones, partially my already prone to depression state, and largely because deep down I worry that I’ve used up all my pregnancy luck.  It’s almost easier to believe that I’m going to miscarry, for all that I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak last night (and still have that crying-jag hangover feeling happening today).

In a lot of ways, my experiences with Hope broke me when it comes to my body and pregnancy.  Even as I was trying to accept that I might not keep her…deep down I truly believed that she would be the exception to the rule and that I’d get to keep her.

Elanor had an early bleeding scare at 6 weeks as well, but everything was fine.  Except after she was born and then it wasn’t.  She is a miracle…there is no projection that had her doing so well several years out from her sepsis and stroke.  Part of me rationalizes that she used up all the luck (even as I’m an atheist and would want to smack anyone who said that to me about themselves…hello cognitive dissonance).

So with Wheelie (yes, it’s their belly name…I was in a wheelchair and our reaction to finding out that I was pregnant after so many tests was “really?”…hence Wheelie), part of me thinks that next week disaster will strike…it will be week 6, after all, and I’ve never had a good week 6 of pregnancy.  Or that since we’ve yet to see anything on u/s (regardless that it’s unusual to see anything with hcg levels where mine are) that we’ll go back and nothing will be there…a chemical pregnancy or a blighted ovum.

I hate that this is where I am.  I want to have a happy bouncy pregnancy…but I just can’t do it.

I’m beginning to think that our family will only have two kids not because it’s the perfect number for us (although I do lean towards that) but because I really can’t go through the emotional trauma of a pregnancy again.

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