Resolution

Well, that explains the dry heaving two nights ago and the recent bouts of nausea.

I am…dumbfounded.  Shocked.  Thrilled.  Terrified.

While I could never wish away my memory of Hope, the prolonged experience of losing my first baby is a deeply profound one…and one that tempers my optimism.  I know all too well how easily this all goes wrong.  And I hate that I can’t easily back away from that line of thinking, focus on the positive, blah blah blah.

I am who am…and part of who I am is a deeply neurotic control freak who has no ability to really control what is developing in her uterus.  This is one of those times when I contemplate my broken relationship with religion…it feels like it might be easier if I could put my faith in a higher being…but it’s not who I am.

I’m obviously still going to the appointment on Wednesday, and with a number, hopefully I’ll have a good understanding of how things are progressing.  As I didn’t ping a test until today, one assumes I’ve only recently reached an hCg level of 20 or so (the standard threshold of pee tests), so I’ll want a count of greater than 40.

Weighing in on the side of cautious optimism is that I’ve been nauseaous as hell recently, which is a very GOOD sign.

Welcome to my uterus, small one…you’re already deeply loved and wanted.  Please stay and grow for the next 36 weeks, and then I will hold you in my arms the way you are already held in my heart.

Damn pregnancy hormones making me weepy while I type this. (insert fake gruffness)

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2 Responses to Resolution

  1. Rachel M. says:

    I’m so excited!!!! YEAH!!!!

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