Maybe I’m just slow on the upswing, but I only really realized within the last 48 hours how sensitive Elanor is to my moods. There was some major family drama (apart from my losing my Great Aunt, which has been upsetting) and I fell apart in front of her around 9. When we went into her room around 1am to check on her, we found that she’d thrown up on herself (we took off the comforter, changed her jammies and she mostly slept through it, so we let her go back to sleep). She woke up again at 4am and was clingy. When she was ready to go back down, she wouldn’t let me leave the room.
She wasn’t sick. There was no temp, no further throwing up, nothing to indicate to me that she was actually sick.
Which is when I realized she was reacting to me.
I don’t advocate that you should never cry, never have less than positive emotions in front of or to your children. I don’t think it’s realistic. But there’s a difference between crying in front of her and telling her Mommy is sad and making sure she knows she’s safe and my melting down and asking R to put her to bed for me because I didn’t want to deal with her. She never got that reassurance from me. So it isn’t shocking that she cried until she puked.
I’m not beating myself up over it (much) but it was an important parenting lesson that I needed to learn.