This is the first Father’s Day I’ve ever found myself looking forward to.
I usually approach the day with what I like to call the 5 stages of Father’s Day
1-Dread–Seeing all the Dad stuff appear the second the Mother’s Day stuff is moved off the shelves reminds me of its approach. Which is fun for those of us who grew up without Dads. Because there’s nothing like being constantly reminded of that fact.
2-Resentment–This is generalized resentment. Resenting kids who have Dads in their lives, resenting my father for bailing on me, when I was a kid I resented my mom for being stupid enough to procreate with my dad…on and on. Obviously a very healthy time for one and all in my life.
3-Denial–Father’s Day? Never heard of it. Aka the week where I keep trying to make plans for that day and no one is free…I mean, wtf? WHY is everyone busy?!
4-Acceptance–Fine, Father’s Day. Whatever. Otherwise known as the part where I suck it up and go buy my grandfather a card like a big girl. In the past few years, also a card for my father in law.
5-Sobbing–This is the part where all the emotions I ignore about my father, my lack of a relationship with him (having never met him), the large role the rejection by him has played throughout my life ESPECIALLY in my dealings with men, and I fall over sobbing.
Fun times, my friends, fun times.
I usually just grit my teeth and endure it.
But this year I’m psyched. I couldn’t wait to buy R cards. I couldnt’ wait to do presents for him. And I’m doing a super elaborate meal to commemorate his first Father’s Day.
Because he’s an amazing father, and the best gift I’ll ever give Elanor is Ravi as her dad.
It’s bittersweet for me to watch them because if I let it, it reminds me of everything I never had. I wonder how my life would be different if I had had what they have. But on the other hand, it’s everything I always wanted for the children I thought about having.
Now, if only I can coach her into saying Dada in the next 24 hours, it will be perfect.