Things are slowly improving.
We are in our new apartment. Having our own space and sleeping in our bed helps. Creating a safe home for Elanor helps.
But in the end, I’m still struggling—-I just don’t have confidence in myself as mother.
I’m not looking for platitudes or reassurance. I’m just sharing where I am and why. The truth is that my husband is constantly telling me he thinks I’m a good mom. But all I need to hear is a critique (or something I perceive as a critique) from anyone, and that’s what stays with me. For example, we had the Early Intervention nutritionist in to see Elanor yesterday–she was critical about Elanor having started solids (at the advice of our GI), and was very anti high chair for Elanor and when she left I just collapsed into a sobbing ball of self-doubt and hatred.
I was actually convinced for about an hour that my husband and child would be better off without me. That I should leave. That I don’t deserve to be Elanor’s mom.
Because I had ordered a high chair and EI said that was wrong.
It sounds stupid when I look at that typed sentence. How could I have had a break down over that?
But it’s not that one specific thing…it’s feeling overwhelmed, it’s that my daughter having food issues is a highly emotional trigger for me because I have food issues, it’s my poor habits surround my anti depressants, it’s self doubt and lack of confidence.
I’m the kind of person who thrived on getting good grades as I was growing up. The problem with that is there is inevitably a point in time when you stop getting grades. I, however, interpret peoples comments as defacto grading. And the personality that drove me to question why I had just gotten an A instead of an A+ isn’t adjusting well to the plethora of conflicting advice I’ve recieved.
The bottom line is that there is no one true way to raise a child. You have to make decisions as the parent about what’s best for YOUR baby. In my case, I don’t trust those decision making skills.
I’m talking to my therapist about this but in the meantime I just have to focus on getting through the day…and not giving in to the little voice that urges me to leave. I know it will be okay…some day.