I don’t know what I want

I feel like I’m not allowed to say this because E is such an “easy” baby…but it’s so hard to be a mom.

I’m jealous that my husband feels as though he gets to opt out of parenting whenever he’s on deadline or has a work thing…or hell, is just tired of playing with her.  I don’t have those options.

I knew when I signed on to this whole mommy thing that I was going to do the majority of the parenting.

I didn’t realize that I’d be too tired at the end of the day to do any of the things I love, like writing…because there’s just nothing left.  At the end of the day I want to sleep, to watch tv, to surf the web.

Part of me has thought about going back to work just to get a break from mothering.

Is that horrible?

I don’t actually want to go back to work.  I can’t imagine missing all those little smiles, the coos, the shock and delight on my daughter’s face as she does something for the first time.  I don’t want to trade watching her discover and try to eat her feet for a class of 12 year olds and a lesson on negative numbers.  Or even to pursue something else, like social work or couseling, and attending grad school.  I’m lucky to be at home, and I genuinely do like it.

I just want a break.

Luckily my in-laws are going to start taking Elanor once a week for 4 hours so I can get just that.  I feel guilty, as though I’m taking advantage of them…but being a mom is a 24/7 job…and I need a break to just be C.

I wish I didn’t feel guilty for accepting the break.

I especially hate that my first instinct is to come home and clean.  Or run an errand.

I need to take this time and focus on things I like.

But with a move coming up in three weeks, I feel guilty.

How do you deal with the guilt?

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