Why

I start to cringe when I see the Neurology doctor coming.

Our team leader doctor has been nothing but reassuring and comforting and makes it clear that things are serious but doesn’t scare me into tears and despair.  The neurology doctor, whether through lack of bedside manner or unwillingness to commit to or talk about prognosis or outcomes manages to scare the shit out of me every time we talk to him.

I don’t really mean it, but part of me just wants to hide when Neurology comes around…I want to take my baby home and be safe and pretend that this never happened and that she’ll be okay.

Because the alternative is listening to him talk about how the bleed in her head is in the area of language and higher order thinking and how maybe it’s just like a bruise that will go away and maybe it will be really bad and hey she could have clots and maybe she could die because putting her on a thinner to get rid of the risks of clots could make the bleed worse and not putting her on a thinner could kill her too depending on this other screen he wants to do.

I wish I did believe in God…then I could rail against Him (or Her) and ask how THIS could be part of His/Her plan.  What did my sweet innocent 11 day old do to deserve this?  What did I do to deserve this?  How could this POSSIBLY be part of some bigger plan?  Why does my best friend get a healthy 10 lb baby that is at home screaming all night and why am I sitting in the PICU?

At its most basic I want to scream WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING TO MY BABY???

I want answers and there are none to be found.

And all I can do is sit and wait and cry and pump.

And wonder why.

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