The second CT scan from about 2 in the morning today showed that there had been no change in the brain bleed, which is the best anyone could hope for. These things heal on their own, but it’s weeks and months and years, not in hours or days. She was stable enough to get an MRI today and we are anxiously awaiting those results since the MRI is a much more sensitive machine and the report from that will be able to not only address if it grew, but if there looks like there is damage. It’s so scary to think about my baby getting brain damage because of a freak infection when she was 5 days old, and how that could affect the rest of her life.
I keep reminding myself that the key thing is that we can work around anything…as long as she’s healthy.
Today’s spot of joy was that before she went down for the MRI, she was stable enough for me to hold her for about an hour. I hadn’t held my daughter in 3 days…since Monday…and part of me had been wondering if I would ever hold her again. Her warmth and weight in my arms felt so right, so good, and so healing. I can’t wait to get to hold her again.
This morning there was a new parent in the PICU and they were obviously feeling lost. I explained a lot of the routines to them, and it occurred to me that 4 days in I’m the experienced PICU parent. I really don’t like that.
When Elanor had been in the NICU after she was born, we were frustrated because it never felt like a doctor had time to talk to us. However, here in the PICU, a doctor almost always has time for us. I realize now how much better it is to be the parent the doctor doesn’t have time for.
We went up to the children’s floor today to borrow some books to read to Elanor. This is the floor she will be on when she gets released from the PICU. The walls, floors and ceilings are all painted to make you feel as if you’re in the ocean. There’s a giant play room (which Emby is too small for, of course, but it’s comforting to see) on the floor, and the floor is designated for babies 0-5 so she wouldn’t be rooming with a really big kid…although I have to say that two year olds are looking monstrous to me these days.
Right now doctors are feeling optimistic that she’ll recover to whatever degree she’ll be able to, but they said that before the brain injury too…and then took it back.
I believe in my daughter…she’s a fighter. But there are moments when hope feels like such a fragile and breakable emotion.