Please let me through this without fainting…

Usually the idea of a class ennervates me.  I adore academia and in a perfect world, I would spend my days racking up PhD after PhD…and it’s part of why I became a teacher.  Learning for learning’s sake is wonderful.

But sometimes you have to learn about things part of you would rather not know…

Like childbirth.

Sure, I want to know what means it’s time to go to the hospital (beyond the rule of 1-5-1), but I’m just not sure I want to know much else.  I’ve already had a consult with the anethesiologist, so I understand how the epidural will work and what would happen if instead I get a Csection.  I’ve listened carefully to the risks, made my decision and signed off on my consent form.  I’ve toured the hospital so I’ve seen where I’ll be up close and personally and gotten the full patter about what happens, when and where.

The class descriptions reads…

This comprehensive childbirth class covers all aspects of pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum including: the anatomy and physiology of late pregnancy, the labor and birth process, signs and stages of labor, options for coping and pain management, common complications and promoting positive communication with your care-giver. We will help prepare you for all aspects of birth from knowing when to leave for the hospital or birth center to taking care of yourself after birth. This class provides some information on natural coping methods such as relaxation, breathing and massage (although not as much as the natural childbirth class), as well as information about pain medication and epidural anesthesia. All participants will receive a detailed information packet and view a birthing video. We encourage participation by your partner or support person.

Lots of useful stuff, no?

However, I’ve watched some childbirth videos online and they make me a bit queasy.  I don’t know that it’s husband we have to worry about fainting.

I also am dreading all the breathing and “natural” childbirth crap as I refuse to practice panting in public without compensation (money, shoes, a pony).  I can barely keep a straight face in a traditional yoga class, people.  What am I going to do when I’m told that breathing will make the pain go away as effectively as the lovely Demerol in my IV?  I fear that I will actually laugh out loud and flunk my childbirth class.  Having husband there will NOT actually help me, as he is equally snarky and I just know this will end badly.

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