I’m beginning to feel like we’re in countdown mode. Knowing that my OB won’t let us go past November 10th means that we have less than 100 days left with you in utero. Today (day 1 of week 27) there are 91 days left. Each week feels like we’re moving a little closer to meeting you, which is scary.
Over the weekend I actually cried on Daddy’s shoulder and worried that I won’t be a good mom to you, or that you won’t like me. On one hand I know that’s just my insecurities coming out, but on the other I do worry about our relationship. My mom wasn’t a horrible mom, but she wasn’t the parent I needed either. I worry that I’m too inexperienced and that I’m going to mess this up. You’re my first live birth and I just don’t know what to do. I know what books say, but you’re your own person and I’m scared that I’ll screw it up.
Last Friday Daddy and I saw a friend of his from HIgh School get married. It was the first Jewish wedding I’ve ever attended in person, and it was a blast. I was sad that my pictures of the hora (where they lift the bride and groom up on chairs and dance them around) all came out blurry, but it was still a lot of fun. We sat at a table with three other couples who had children, so the talk mostly revolved around that.
For me, in a weird way, attending that wedding and realizing that that’s how I’m relating to other adults these days marks a big shift in my universe. Five years ago, before I’d ever met Daddy, that table would have been my worst nightmare. A year ago, before we’d even conceived your lost sibling Hope, it would have been difficult because I wanted to be a mom so badly and I would’ve been incredibly jealous of them. This year, at one point another girl and I were talking and then I got sucked into “mommy talk” with another woman and she was the one who felt left out–something I didn’t realize for a while and then felt pretty bad about.
While I worry about how you’ll impact my life, and how I’ll manage the transition from C to Mommy, it’s happening without me even noticing. My priorities are realigning, and my body is getting ready for something I can’t even really begin to imagine.
On Saturday, the day after the wedding, Daddy and I went to IKEA and bought a ridiculous number of bookcases (please don’t ever think about climbing on them!) including one for your room to match the two already in there. You have only 35 books so far, but my old classroom library is slowly migrating into your room and depending on whether I ever teach full time again, it may just live there permanently. Granted, many of the books won’t be on your radar for ten to twelve years, but at the moment, it’s the only place I have for them. All of this is largely driven by the idea of home that we want to bring you into.
Sunday we met up with an out of town friend we’d met at a conference earlier this year. He is probably 15-20 years older than us, divorced, and entering into a new relationship. Daddy said that they reminded him of us when we first started dating. I agreed with him, and thought about how much our lives had changed in the past 3 1/2 years since we met.
As for you, you are (according to one website) the size of a teddy bear this week. I like that idea quite a bit.
You are, however, VERY squirmy, and I feel you more frequently with each week.
Can’t wait to meet you