This morning there was bright red, thick blood when I wiped. I’ve yet to stain my pad, but each time I pee it’s there. Red, thick, irrefutable. The pains are almost constant now; my body rejecting this child that I love so much.
Time to accept that Hope will not survive. We gave her permission to leave, if she had to, and she has made her choice. So I have to make mine-to suffer through this naturally, or schedule the D&C.
I choose the D&C.
Does that make me cold? It is, perhaps, my coward’s way out. I literally can’t stand the pain I’m in, and watching Hope leave in wipes and drops and spots and flow is just as emotionally painful as the physical pain.
So tomorrow I’ll go to the hospital, and let them remove my vailiant fighter of a child. S/he tried so hard to make it, but I understand that it just wasn’t meant to be.
At least I’ll have memories. Of her heartbeat, of reading to her, of loving Hope.