And they say your partner may not feel the pain…

I’ve read on countless miscarriage websites that husbands tend not to grieve the way that the expectant mother does. That he may not seem to care as much.

Not in our case.

Today I held my husband while he sobbed over the loss of our child. In many ways, last week, when the doctor initially said Hope wasn’t going to make it, he cried a little, and I sobbed my heart out. But the truth had sunk in over the intervening days, regardless of the depth of my denial, and while I have cried my heart out today, I think my husband was grieving more. Without the constant cramping pain, he could believe more than I could, and thus today’s loss hit him harder.

My husband is sensitive, but not a crier. I’ve seen his eyes glisten with tears once or twice when a fight has gotten particularly nasty and I threw out a comment that hit below the belt, but they were never shed until we lost Hope.

I asked him, over lunch, if he could stand trying again. A few months ago, we’d talked about my cat, who he has grown extremely attached to, and who is on the elderly side (turning 15 this year), and he’d mentioned that after she passes, he doesn’t think he could stand to have another pet. I worried that this would translate to our family, and that the pain of losing our Hope would mean that he’d be scared to try again.

He looked at me and said “I don’t know if I’d be able to get through mother’s day and father’s day if we weren’t trying.”

It’s funny because he’s always been fairly well removed from the concrete desire to have kids. His has always been abstract-someday, while mine has been “now now now.” He was really worried when we conceived Hope (especially after finding out about the pregnancy 4 days after deciding to take a break for a few months) and I’d been worried that he wasn’t as happy or excited or whatever as I was.

I was wrong.

Maybe your partner doesn’t show it in the same way, but know that they grieve too.

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One Response to And they say your partner may not feel the pain…

  1. Angela says:

    Going through the physical pain of a miscarriage doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but it seems to make it seem almost more “real”. There were times when I thought to myself “This can’t be happening”, but then I felt the cramping and it brought me back to earth.

    My husband could only see the physical pain I was going through, but emotionally, he was going through just as much. He tried to be strong for me, so he didn’t cry around me as much, but we had our moments when we both just cried together.

    I wish peace for you and your husband.

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