You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2009.
Please go and read this.
I thought I had enough reasons to be pro-choice, but it turns out now I have one more.
It is a brutally well-written piece on what it’s like to be a mom who has made the choice to give up a child for adoption…and how that differs from her experience of choosing an abortion.
I’m closing comments because if you have something to say, you should have the courage of your convictions and post your comment there.
I feel like I’m not allowed to say this because E is such an “easy” baby…but it’s so hard to be a mom.
I’m jealous that my husband feels as though he gets to opt out of parenting whenever he’s on deadline or has a work thing…or hell, is just tired of playing with her. I don’t have those options.
I knew when I signed on to this whole mommy thing that I was going to do the majority of the parenting.
I didn’t realize that I’d be too tired at the end of the day to do any of the things I love, like writing…because there’s just nothing left. At the end of the day I want to sleep, to watch tv, to surf the web.
Part of me has thought about going back to work just to get a break from mothering.
Is that horrible?
I don’t actually want to go back to work. I can’t imagine missing all those little smiles, the coos, the shock and delight on my daughter’s face as she does something for the first time. I don’t want to trade watching her discover and try to eat her feet for a class of 12 year olds and a lesson on negative numbers. Or even to pursue something else, like social work or couseling, and attending grad school. I’m lucky to be at home, and I genuinely do like it.
I just want a break.
Luckily my in-laws are going to start taking Elanor once a week for 4 hours so I can get just that. I feel guilty, as though I’m taking advantage of them…but being a mom is a 24/7 job…and I need a break to just be C.
I wish I didn’t feel guilty for accepting the break.
I especially hate that my first instinct is to come home and clean. Or run an errand.
I need to take this time and focus on things I like.
But with a move coming up in three weeks, I feel guilty.
How do you deal with the guilt?
We traveled to Colorado from Boston last week. My husband had business, and the baby and I tagged along.
Before I get into the story of how it went…my advice for parents who are flying with their babies
1-Buy them their own seat. No, really. After 4 hours of holding my 11 lb 4 month old, my back was ready to give out. Also, it will give you somewhere to change their diaper.
2-Most planes apparently don’t have changing tables. Which makes it fun when your baby poops at 30,000 feet. As mine did. Twice.
3-Bring your own car seat. We got a “free” one from Hertz. After spending an hour installing it, rethreading it correctly (two of the straps were through two different shoulder strap holes), and adjusting it to fit the baby, I would have KILLED for my own carseat. The rental one looked old and beat up enough that I actually googled to see if there had been a recall on the model. Hertz (and I assume other car rental places) do NOT install carseats. Make sure you know how and have done it a few times. My car seat at home was professionally installed by the nice officers at our local police station.
4-Make sure you have tried out and understand how your cheap travel stroller works and if your baby fits into it appropriately. Wow…wish I had found out in advance that Elanor HATES facing away from me in a stroller. I thought she’d be fine, especially as when she’s in a sling if she doesn’t face out she gets PISSED. I’m guessing that she feels safe facing out if she’s being held against us, but when she’s in the stroller, she needs to see us to feel safe. As a result, Elanor was carried pretty much the whole weekend as she’d begin crying within minutes of being put into the umbrella stroller.
5-Buying diapers on the other side creates more space in your suitcases. Ditto on wipes.
6-I highly recommend drop-ins, especially when travelling. That way you only need to bring 1-2 bottles, a ton of drop ins (that are thrown away after use) and nipples. I recommend bringing enough nipples with you that you’ll have to do minimal (if any) washing.
7-Leave the travel swing at home. We brought ours and never even put it together. It took up space and weight in my suitcase that I could have put to better purpose.
8-Pack before the night before/morning of your flight. Your body will thank you later.
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The plane ride there was a bit of a nightmare. Not because E was loud…she only cried for a small period of time. What sucked was that I was dead tired-operating on only 3 hours of sleep. And that Elanor only wanted to be held, even though there was an empty seat between us. I began cursing myself for leaving our car seat at home at this point (and never really stopped). I tried to give her to Ravi several times, but she was tired and sobbed when I handed her to him. He would hand her back and she’d stop. Not exactly the kind of parenting validation I want.
The rental car was the straw that broke our backs. First they gave us child seats instead of an infant one. But that’s an honest mistake. Then they brought out an old, fugly bucket seat and refused to install it. Okay, liability…annoying, but whatever. Then I realize that the carseat is threaded wrong. Then we have trouble installing it. After an hour of struggle, it’s finally installed and the baby is in it, and we are ready to go. Cursing ourselves for not eating when we arrived in Denver all the while.
Bopping around Colorado with the baby and the husband was pretty similar to bopping around Massachusetts. The only thing that was a bit weird was not having the usual stuff we have at home…no gymini, no crib sidecarred to the bed (so she slept with us), no bumbo.
Flying home was much better. I’m not sure if it was flying at night, or that I’d gotten more sleep so I was handling everything better, but she dropped off about a half hour in, and I got to watch a dvd on my laptop. And life was sweet.
Our next trip that involves air travel is in late August/early September. As it’s international, I’m sure it will bring a string of new challenges. But I think I may be slightly better prepared for them. I hope.
Today marks an end. After today my breasts will not provide any of Elanor’s nutritional needs.
I’m conflicted about this. I *had* hoped to do a full year, then after the milk allergy diagnosis, I wanted to make it to six months. Being dairy free has made me exhausted, and it’s just been so hard that I had started weaning myself from the pump. I’ve been down to a single pump a day for a few days, and I had decided this morning that today would be the last deliberate pump. I’m disappointed, and not a little bit angry with the universe. I feel cheated out of having a breastfeeding relationship with Elanor.
Today we learned that the Alimentum formula isn’t working and Elanor needs a more hypoallergenic formula. If I want to keep doing any breastmilk I’d have to do the full elimination diet. And honestly, while I could cut out dairy and soy, eggs would be hard and peanuts would be impossible for me to cut out of my diet. So I’m glad I had already decided today would be the last pump. Because even if I’d been breastfeeding, this would have been a line I couldn’t have crossed…even if we’d been breastfeeding, the full elimination diet would have marked the end of our breastfeeding relationship.
I think one of the hardest things for me to do is separate the quality of my mothering from the topic of breastfeeding. I can genuinely say I’ve tried my best. But it’s hard to remember that how you feed your baby has nothing to do with the quality of your mothering.
The end of my breastfeeding relationship with Elanor does not mean I’m not a good mom. Giving her formula does not limit our closeness or our bond.
It’s still a hard thing to walk away from.
Even with the giant candy bar that’s waiting for me once I’m done.
I’m not sure if this has happened to anyone else, but when I went off dairy, my supply tanked.
Maybe it’s coincidence? I’ve read that some women have a drop in supply around 4 months of age and Elanor turned 4 months last Tuesday. I’m just not sure.
Needless to say it’s been discouraging.
I reached a point tonight where I looked at my husband and said that I want to stop pumping, although what I mean by stop pumping isn’t necessarily what others would mean by that. What I mean is that I’m tired of taking supplements like domperidone and fenugreek, tired of trying to reach a pumping goal every day, tired of freaking out if I forget my pump or handsfree bra, tired of missing stuff because I have to go and pump, tired of freaking out over my supply, and tired of always figuring pumping into my daily life. If I were pumping enough that I didn’t need formula, maybe it would be worth it. But I’m not.
I’ve also been exhausted all the time since I stopped eating dairy. Again, I’m not sure that there’s a connection but it feels like there is.
So I’m going to do what makes sense to me. I’m going to stop taking all the supplements. I’m going to pump as my life allows it, instead of scheduling my life around pumping. Whatever I can make is great and I’ll give it to Elanor. But enough is enough. And when I stop producing milk, I’ll have stopped producing milk. I’ll stay dairy free until then…but I’d be lying if I didn’t say there’s one hell of a NOT dairy free meal at the end of this road.
Babyhood is too short for me to spend it stressing over my breast milk instead of enjoying my child.
