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Last night, not necessarily for the first time, I wondered if this whole pregnancy thing is worth it.
It was 1:30 in the morning and I was leaning over the toilet, having just spent 20 minutes throwing up everything I’d even thought about eating for the past 10 hours. My throat was raw, my mouth tasted sour, my nose was clogged with snot and worse, my ears were tearing, and I’d peed myself from the force of the vomit.
This is the scene I have repeated many many times during this pregnancy.
I am on zofran. I am on reglen. Even with these powerful anti-nausea drugs, I still puke at least once a week and usually 1-3. The scene always ends the same way…having pissed myself, hung over a toilet bowl or a sink, facing an orangey, yellowy disgusting second look at what I’d eaten.
Part of me knows that the me of 10 months ago would’ve sold her soul for a viable pregnancy. She would have hated me for questioning if this was really meant to be and I really wanted it *this* badly.
But it wears on you. The exhaustion. The sciatic pain. The round ligament pain. The sour taste in your mouth. Having to watch your blood sugar, to give yourself insulin. The discomfort. Never laying on your back anymore. Barely managing to lay on your stomach. The constant exhaustion.
If I had been able to see in to the future, would I have done this?
I guess it depends on how far I could’ve seen. Right now my Emby is still a fairly abstract concept to me. It’s hard to imagine a little girl in my arms. So the pain and the exhaustion and the puking seem like a pretty crappy trade off.
But one day I’ll say it was worth it…
Right?
I read an article in the Boston Globe saying that France has banned television aimed at children under the age of 3 years of age. Personally, I give this news three cheers because I am offended by the whole “tv/dvds for babies” racket.
I loathe baby einstein and its ilk, which I consider one of the greatest frauds ever perpetuated on the parenting community. Not three months ago, I laughed in the face of a Motherhood Maternity salesgirl who tried to sell me some screwed up product that I could strap to my stomach which would then “use the sound of heartbeats to teach your infant” unspecified skills but would definitely MAKE HER SMART.
For those not in the know, I’m not just blowing hot air. From the August 2007 issue of Time Magazine, the following quote is from this article.
Led by Frederick Zimmerman and Dr. Dimitri Christakis, both at the University of Washington, the research team found that with every hour per day spent watching baby DVDs and videos, infants learned six to eight fewer new vocabulary words than babies who never watched the videos. These products had the strongest detrimental effect on babies 8 to 16 months old, the age at which language skills are starting to form. “The more videos they watched, the fewer words they knew,” says Christakis. “These babies scored about 10% lower on language skills than infants who had not watched these videos.”
I may not yet be a mom, and my experience with small infants is limited to several years of babysitting, but even I know that babies find damn near everything interesting. Want to stop a five month old from crying? Hand her a scrunchie. When that stops working, try your keys. They’re not exactly discerning customers.
The very idea that babies are potential consumers is ludicrous, yet so very American of us.
While Emby may not watch ZERO minutes of tv before she’s 2 or 3, none of those minutes will be deliberate. I don’t know that there will never be five minutes, or even a half an hour when I’m holding her and I might not want to put the Daily Show or the Simpsons or Ace of Cakes or whatever on in the background. But I’ll keep her facing away from the tv as much as I can (not knowing much about how this whole breastfeeding thing will work) and I will never plop her down and say “here, watch tv.” I can possibly see around age 2ish starting to do a daily tv show like the old Sesame Street or Reading Rainbow, but that’s because at that age she might be a pre-reader and those shows are valuable for that sort of content.
I’m not actually anti-media. In my old classroom, I had my own laptop and projector constantly set up so that I could pull website content, video clips, add in 5 minutes from a dvd to add to class content. We are a media focused culture, and it’s a bit naive to think I can shield Emby from that. But there’s a point where media is useful and when it’s a harmful form of pacifier. There’s a balance to be struck, and it’s one I’m sure we will struggle with as both the husband and I are readers and always have been, but have also both always been fairly big fans of television. It feels a bit hypocritical to tell my (future) 8 year old that she can only have 1 hour of television a day when I was watching close to 3 or 4 on any given day (and reading another 2+, including during commercials back in the dim dark days prior to tivo).
I just don’t see the value of television for babies other than a way to scam parents out of money because we’re all so fucking anxious about our child being smart or ready or whatever. Like many other scams, Baby Eistein and their competitors are preying on us because we’re scared, and they’re assuming we’re inexperienced enough to buy their message.
The truth is that many people seem to have babies without learning anything about them. I have a friend who is a pediatrician, and she told me that she has seen parents not be able to take their baby home because they don’t have a car seat, or that they HAVE to take home the hospital outfit because they haven’t bought any clothes yet. I thought she was just yanking my chain until she outlined exactly how often she has seen this, which then just frightened me.
Parents who don’t inform themselves are a company like Baby Einstein’s wet dream. Because they’re not educated, and haven’t read the APA’s statement that television under the age of 2 is to be avoided, they’ll buy a slick advertising scheme. What shocks me is how many people of my own level of education and socioeconomic class also bought into it, and that a year after being discredited, I see Baby Einstein shit EVERYWHERE.
On principle, I have made it clear that not only are the videos not welcome in my home, but NOTHING made by Baby Einstein is to be bought for Emby. If bought, it will be returned. If I can’t return it, I’ll throw it out rather than donate it to charity.
What blew my mind in the Boston Globe article is that there are at least TWO cable networks aimed specifically at children under the age of 3. The CEO of BabyFirst TV had the following to say about this sort of programming…
“One of reasons we created BabyFirstTV is that we thought there was no good programming for babies on TV, and according to the research that is out there, most of the babies are watching TV anyway,” he said.
Call me a jaded experienced consumer, but I see the little dollar signs dancing in his eyes and a huge black hole where his heart used to be. Sort of like the grinch at the start of the cartoon version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Let us revisit that babies think ANYTHING you wave in front of their faces is exciting. Good programming? Are you freaking kidding me? There’s absolutely no difference in what’s going on in my baby’s brain were I to put her in front of MTV, CNN, C-SPAN, or BabyFirst. She’s being deprived of valuable interaction that will stimulate her brain and develop her language centers.
That anyone buys this shit only proves that we are a gullible gullible nation.
Embygirl,
As of today, you have 77 days left in the womb at most. But don’t get overeager-I’m don’t want you popping out before you’re fully cooked. I hear the NICU is kind of a sucky place to be as opposed to home with your loving, adoring, terrified parents.
Your 27th week in utero began in New Jersey. Your Daddy and I went there for a “babymoon” and to visit some friends. We woke up, finished packing and drove into New York City. I can’t wait to take you there-especially once you’re old enough to really enjoy it. I lived there for about a year when I was 22/23 and it remains to this day one of my favorite places in the world.
Your Daddy’s grandmother Nani, his uncle and two of his first cousins all live in New York, as do many of my friends from my time there. We hadn’t seen Nani since December of 2006 in India, so we made a point of dropping by to see her (and by extension, your great uncle). Since their apartment building was being painted, we picked them up and went to cousin D’s apartment. Cousin R was working so we didn’t see him. The family is very excited to meet you–you’ll be the first child of the next generation on your Daddy’s maternal side, and the third on the paternal side-displacing your cousin J as the baby of the family for now.
Then we visited a firend of mine who is sick and recovering from a stroke, although she’s only in her mid-30’s. She was one of the first people I’ve allowed to touch the belly. It’s partially that I don’t like strangers touching me, but more because I feel like a statue of buddha or a good luck lamp–and they all pat my belly fat as opposed to where I’m carrying you which is just weird and stuff. But I let her, and she’s excited to meet you too.
The drive home was long and tiresome, especially the part where we realized a headlight was out, and got stopped by 3 (4?) state troopers on the drive home, made longer by the fact that we missed an exit and added an extra 1/2 hour onto our trip. Sigh.
I spent Tuesday recovering from that long Monday, and got the headlight replaced, and then your Dada came over to help Daddy put together some more of our new IKEA bookcases. I happily put away the books for an hour or so after that. Daddy apparently met the downstairs neighbor, who wasn’t happy about them putting together bookcases in the early evening, but as Daddy pointed out-he works. I have a feeling he isn’t going to be your biggest fan. Tuesday was also a big deal for Daddy as he paid off his car. We’re pretty excited not to have a car payment for a while, but we’ll be saving that money every month to put towards our next car, as mine probably only has 2-4 years left in it (it’s already 12 years old).
Friday we had some doctor’s appointments. We met the anethesiologist who went over how they’ll deal with my previous back surgery and the epidural. They went over how it’s done, the risks involved, and I signed the form. We also had our first ATU (antenatal testing unit) appointment. They did measurements of you, checked your weight, looked for practice breathing and swallowing, and we got to watch you on the ultrasound screen. On Friday you weighed 2 1/2 pounds (which is 1/2 of the weight I’ve gained back so far), were showing signs of practice swallowing and breathing, and were in the 40% percentile of growth ( a few days small, no big deal). Your amniotic fluid was ok, but only by a little. I have to drink more water.
This weekend we went to a science fiction convention here in MA, about an hour away. It was fun, but it was over the weekend that I really began to feel the toll being pregnant is starting to take on me and my body. I had trouble leaning over sinks. My pre-pregnancy shorts which have been baggy, are starting to fit less loosely, and my pelvis is sore a lot, like you’re a 10lb weight sitting on it. I also happened to have my palm over my stomach when I coughed and I felt my belly button pop out and then go back in, which was kind of cool and weird. I immediately told your dad to come and feel.
Today, Monday-day 1 of week 29, we are home and ready to stay here for 3 weeks. Then we get to go to DC and see the baby you’re displacing as the youngest in the family as well as your cousin A, who I adore, for a long weekend, and then Mommy and you stay home until you come out. Daddy has one more trip coming up in mid-Sept for a conference, but Mommy can’t go. This weekend we’ll have our first baby shower and then a week from today we’ll be at 10 weeks and counting.
Love you
Mommy
It occurs to me that I hate kids music. I loathe it when they redo lyrics to make them more kid-friendly. I hate recycling overplayed classical numbers like Canon (even though I will confess I walked down the aisle to it). I hate the Wiggles. I loathe Raffi (is he even still around?).
I can stomach some Disney music…I will even confess to loving some Disney music, and a secret shameful copy of the soundtrack of the first “High School Musical” on my iPod.
I LOVE School House Rock.
BUT…
As I read articles about babies and music and mom bloggers talking about what music they play in front of their kids, I can’t help but wonder if we’re over thinking this. Why not just play what we like and let them figure it out as they get older?
I grew up on “Oldies” music (aka 50’s and 60’s stuff) and some contemporary 80’s stuff like Madonna and Michael Jackson. I knew the lyrics to “Like a Virgin” by heart in grade school—but it’s not like I knew what the lyrics meant. I decided I liked Opera after hearing it on the radio one day, and fell asleep to it for all of fourth grade. I watched old musicals with my grandmother and began to develop an interest in musical theater that persists to this day. I know almost all the lyrics to every Beatles song ever made. As an adult I have a ridiculously eclectic and wide-ranging taste in music that ranges from 80’s pop metal to banghra to musical theater to alternative to oldies and beyond. Listening to my iPod on shuffle is like having musical schizophrenia, and I love it.
Sure, there’s stuff I won’t expose Emby to, but generally it’s because I wouldn’t want to hear it. This includes most rap (although not the fabulous Salt N Pepa or most 80’s rap) because I find it misogynistic.
There’s so many real issues I have to think about as a parent that I just don’t see the value in freaking out over music being one of them.
It occurred to the husband and I that we are soon going to need to start thinking about birth control. This is a strange and slightly repellent realization. Thank god it’s not an immediate issue for another few months yet.
But for fun and to get it all out there coherently for myself, let’s go through the options…
THE PILL
I have never done well with the pill. Firstly, I’m terrible at remembering to do something everyday. I imagine that the experience with pre-natals (although I do occasionally forget) and insulin (I’ve had to leave where I was and come home because I forgot it on more than one occasion) have helped me in this regard, but it’s still not something I think I’m all that reliable about. Secondly, to be completely effective, you’re supposed to take it at the same time each day. My life is not totally unpredictable, but neither is it totally routine either-I don’t eat dinner at the same time each day, nor do I go to bed at the same time each day, nor do I get up at the same time each day. Thirdly, my depression has often been aggravated by the pill, and when coupled with my fear of post-partum depression, I feel like the worst thing I could do is go on something that could aggravate a pre-existing issue like depression.
THE SHOT
I loved the shot while I was on it. I only had to remember to go to the doctor every 8 to 10 weeks to get a shot, and then I didn’t have to think about it. However, it did make weight loss a bigger problem than it already is. More recently an OB shared with me that it has proven to have an effect on bone density when taken over long periods of time, and when you couple that with my calcium deficiency from my lactose intolerance, it makes the shot a bad idea.
NUVA RING/ANYTHING THAT YOU STICK UP NEAR YOUR CERVIX
The issue I have with anything that requires placement near my cervix is that I have a long vaginal canal and, quite frankly, can’t reach my cervix. I wish I were kidding, but I need the long speculum, and when doctors haven’t believed me, it meant I got to deal with the cold duck lips twice because wow, I can’t see your cervix using the regular sized ones. Sigh.
IMPLANT
This is definitely something I want to research more in depth…I just don’t know if this is the right move right now. It’s something I’ll talk over with my OB as well.
MIRENA OR OTHER IUD
This was never an option before because they generally require you to have had a child. Again, something to research more and talk to the OB about.
SPERMICIDE
My body hates this stuff. I always feel dry and itchy afterwards. I’ll use it in a pinch, but not regularly.
CONDOMS
They are old reliable. I have proven that I certain know how to use them-after all I managed not to get pregnant until I wanted to, and then I did so with ridiculous ease…twice. I’m obviously doing something right. On the down side, I hate how they feel. I also hate how they interrupt the flow of things. Also expensive after a while, although certainly not as expensive as raising an unplanned child or an extra college tuition. Depending on how the conversation goes about IUDs and implants, these are the likeliest backup option, I suppose.
STERILIZATION
I want another kid after Emby, so this isn’t an option yet. When we’re done, though, the husband and I have concluded that we’re more likely to go the vasectomy route than the tubal ligation one. After all, it’s minor surgery for him and major for me. But not an option until we’ve decided that we’re done (most likely one more child after Emby).
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I seriously just wish there was something the doctor could give me when I WANTED to get pregnant that would do so immediately and otherwise I didn’t have to worry about this shit, or my period, since we’re in dreamland.
Dear Emby
We are officially moving into the third trimester. I never thought we’d get here, and while I’m excited, I’m also terrified, because each day moves us closer and closer to meeting you. I’m so excited and fearful of becoming a mom, but none of that changes my overwhelming desire to meet you when it’s time. Just don’t show up early–I want you fully cooked, and not to need any time in the NICU. Healthy and full term, say it with me…healthy and full term.
In the last week, I’ve thought a lot about current trends in parenting and childbirth because those are topics that many of the women in my pregnancy community are now focusing on as we move into the third trimester (it’s a month based group so we’re all within a few weeks of each other). It occurs to me that I will probably not be like many of your friend’s moms, even though superficially there may be a resemblance. Yes, I’ll be home with you for as long as it makes financial sense for me to be there. Yes, you’ll be breastfed, although I expect you to have no recollection of it as I plan on weaning you long before you would have an active memory of the experience.
However, you will not be fed all organic blah blah blah from Whole Foods with wheat germ or whatever it is. You will be carried in a sling for awhile, but then it’s all stroller all the time until you can walk–don’t expect rides in strollers when you’re 4. Your tv will be limited, but we are more likely to block Disney than Playboy as we find the content on Disney FAR more objectionable and unnatural. Don’t plan on getting a cell phone before you’re a teenager, and then you should plan on being able to pay for it out of allowance you’ll earn with chores. When you ask for a cell phone in third grade because all the other kids have one, expect us to laugh so hard we fall on the floor and pee ourselves. Expect to go to public school or an academic private school–there will be NO Montessori or any of that other constructivist bullshit in your life, and while I’m certainly credentialled to stay home with you and homeschool you, I would much rather send you to school for 6-7 hours a day and get paid money and given decent health insurance for teaching all day. Don’t expect to have 7 activities a week-sure we could afford it, but there’s no way my primary job in life is going to be chauffeur. Your job is school, and if you want 1 or MAYBE 2 activities, then that’s fine, but that’s it. You’re a kid, and you need to learn to keep yourself entertained-not to be schlepped from class to class to make sure you’re having a perfectly well rounded experience every day. There is VALUE in being bored and inventing an imaginary friend, riding your bike for hours, and getting dirty in the yard.
My (Our) differences in parenting styles from those of our friends and your friend’s parents doesn’t mean we don’t love you. It means that what we believe is best for our family is different. And if there’s one lesson I want you learn early it’s that different is OKAY, as long as it’s not harmful. And if you do end up eating formula, that does NOT constitute harmful.
Your dad and I will be passing on values that are different, too. Sure there’s the basic be nice, don’t hit stuff. There’s also
- Education is THE most important thing when it comes to achieving lifetime success. 30 years from now, it will NOT matter if we bought you the trendy shoes, but it WILL matter that you learned to multiply. We don’t expect you to be a straight A robot, but we do expect your strongest effort, and if it’s ever not good enough, tutors will be hired. The words “I had a game/dance recital/violin concert” will never be accepted by us or said to your teachers in leiu of handing in your homework. The second you even consider that, the activity ends.
- We don’t do that religion thing. You may, at some point, decide you want to be religious, and that will be your choice. In the meantime, we will celebrate Christmas as a reasonably timed holiday that allows us to give presents to our friends and family, and you will hear the annual lecture about how it’s not actually Christ’s birthday and why, and how the Christmas Tree is really a pagan tradition stolen from the Druids. We’ll also celebrate Easter, minus the whole religion thing, as a fertility holiday on which you hunt eggs, and eat chocolate fertility symbols…as a woman I can see turning this into a totally female feminist holiday that celebrates our uteruses (uteri?).
- You’re not getting a job beyond the occasional babysitting job until you’re in college and we would really prefer you wait until after college to seek any sort of real employment that takes up more than a few hours a week. College is taken care of. There are ways to earn the money to pay for things like cell phones, shoes, and your car-they involve doing well in school and helping out around the house. Too many teens put their jobs first and their school work suffers. You’ll have to be in the “real” world soon enough and spend many years working, so don’t rush it.
- Sex isn’t a taboo topic in our household. You will be given appropriate information at the appropriate times, including an open invitation to go on bc at our expense at any time after your period is regular, and a stash of condoms readily available. I’d rather you wait until you’re really ready, but if you’re not going to, you have no excuse to come home with an STI or STD or pregnant. We are realists.
- You will be raised in a very open and diverse community. We have friends who are gay, transgendered, of various religions, ethnicities and the message we hope that sends is that people are people. And that who you are isn’t a mistake, and should be embraced whole heartedly. Unless it’s that you’re a Republican. Transgendered, gay, whatever, I can accept, but NOT REPUBLICAN.
- Not everyone is as lucky as you. You’ll learn this one very early, the second we take you to India. You are lucky enough to be born in a first world country to fairly affluent parents and with the benefits that accident of birth brings. We will try to reinforce this luck with regular volunteering.
- That vaccinations are important and non-negotiable. This includes Gardasil. Your arm will hurt, but you’ll get a lollipop.
- That sometimes your parents are going to dump you on the grandparents and go away without you. We love you dearly, but parents need and deserve alone time. Sometimes they even get a week to themselves each year, but mostly the odd weekend a few times a year. We also will have regular date nights, and you’re not invited. Parents who connect and relate and have a strong relationship make better parents because of that.
- That sometimes your parents are going to yell at each other. Loudly. It doesn’t mean we’ll get a divorce, or that we don’t love each other. People you love will annoy the crap out of you every once and awhile. You will learn this lesson in depth in adolesence when everything we do and say will be wrong, stupid or aggravating.
- That sometimes your parents are going to yell at you. See above bullet for further clarification. You will also yell at us. Sometimes we will want to sell you on Ebay, but would never actually do so.
Some of this will change, as battle plans never really last past the first engagement. But they are things that your Daddy and I have talked about. We need to understand what kind of parents we want to be, and what our values are because it’s often easy to follow the crowd and when we don’t want to , we need to know that the other partner has our backs. And we are NOT crowd followers.
In happier news, we have picked out your name. In theory. We’ll see if you look like a XYZ when you’re born, but the name feels right to us.
See you in (gulp) 12 weeks,
Mommy
Dear Emby,
I’m beginning to feel like we’re in countdown mode. Knowing that my OB won’t let us go past November 10th means that we have less than 100 days left with you in utero. Today (day 1 of week 27) there are 91 days left. Each week feels like we’re moving a little closer to meeting you, which is scary.
Over the weekend I actually cried on Daddy’s shoulder and worried that I won’t be a good mom to you, or that you won’t like me. On one hand I know that’s just my insecurities coming out, but on the other I do worry about our relationship. My mom wasn’t a horrible mom, but she wasn’t the parent I needed either. I worry that I’m too inexperienced and that I’m going to mess this up. You’re my first live birth and I just don’t know what to do. I know what books say, but you’re your own person and I’m scared that I’ll screw it up.
Last Friday Daddy and I saw a friend of his from HIgh School get married. It was the first Jewish wedding I’ve ever attended in person, and it was a blast. I was sad that my pictures of the hora (where they lift the bride and groom up on chairs and dance them around) all came out blurry, but it was still a lot of fun. We sat at a table with three other couples who had children, so the talk mostly revolved around that.
For me, in a weird way, attending that wedding and realizing that that’s how I’m relating to other adults these days marks a big shift in my universe. Five years ago, before I’d ever met Daddy, that table would have been my worst nightmare. A year ago, before we’d even conceived your lost sibling Hope, it would have been difficult because I wanted to be a mom so badly and I would’ve been incredibly jealous of them. This year, at one point another girl and I were talking and then I got sucked into “mommy talk” with another woman and she was the one who felt left out–something I didn’t realize for a while and then felt pretty bad about.
While I worry about how you’ll impact my life, and how I’ll manage the transition from C to Mommy, it’s happening without me even noticing. My priorities are realigning, and my body is getting ready for something I can’t even really begin to imagine.
On Saturday, the day after the wedding, Daddy and I went to IKEA and bought a ridiculous number of bookcases (please don’t ever think about climbing on them!) including one for your room to match the two already in there. You have only 35 books so far, but my old classroom library is slowly migrating into your room and depending on whether I ever teach full time again, it may just live there permanently. Granted, many of the books won’t be on your radar for ten to twelve years, but at the moment, it’s the only place I have for them. All of this is largely driven by the idea of home that we want to bring you into.
Sunday we met up with an out of town friend we’d met at a conference earlier this year. He is probably 15-20 years older than us, divorced, and entering into a new relationship. Daddy said that they reminded him of us when we first started dating. I agreed with him, and thought about how much our lives had changed in the past 3 1/2 years since we met.
As for you, you are (according to one website) the size of a teddy bear this week. I like that idea quite a bit.
You are, however, VERY squirmy, and I feel you more frequently with each week.
Can’t wait to meet you
Love
Mommy
This is a touchy topic, and I’m sure many would say that I don’t have a right to wade into this particular minefield until Emby is born, but I’m going to anyways.
I consider myself a middle school teacher. However, I did try out elementary education for a few years as I’m certified there and felt like it would be fun to be with the same group of kids all day every day. I learned that it’s not for me for many reasons. The many reasons I loathe teaching elementary school include…
- Cutesy pagaentry–this includes recorder concerts (oh my bleeding ears), adorable puppet shows to teach us about poetry (cue my eye roll) and the concept of a “Fifth grade graduation” (I also think 8th grade graduation is stupid, for the record). In middle school we kep that to maybe 3 or 4 assemblies a year instead of the 10-15 I bore witness to in elementary school instead of teaching curriculum.
- Helicopter parents—emphasis on the “hell” syllable. I had parents walk third and fifth grade students to class each day. This includes the parent who objected to my teaching “King and King” in my 5th grade fairy tale unit (in a state with legalized gay marriage and a district that emphasizes “tolerance” and “acceptance” in the curriculum). I had parents who thought it was their right to email me for close to daily progress reports, or who thought I should have to email them each night with the homework (no, you have a fifth grader and they need to learn to be responsible). In middle school we were able to tell a parent they were being unreasonable, if that was the case–but not in elementary school.
- “Leveled” books–Literacy coaches who told me that I should actually discourage a fifth grader from reading “Harry Potter” because it was “too tough” according to his reading assessment. Excuse me, but the day I discourage any kid from reading ANY book is the day I’m cremated. Sure, most second graders aren’t ready for Tolkien, but I found that kids who are motivated to read will slog through any piece of literature they really want to read. This includes me in the sixth grade reading “Gone with the Wind.” It matters more to help a student find books they love and are interested in reading than checking to see if it’s an “appropriate” book on some list based off random criteria. The only thing I ever had to check at the middle school level was for language and adult content.
- Seating in groups–I loathe grouped tables. I am, as I’ve stated before, fairly old school in some of my notions, and this includes rows. It’s not that group work should never happen, it’s that it’s not all that should happen. In the middle schools, we were allowed to decide on a day to day basis.
- Food banning–and here is where we get to the topic of the day.
Banning foods, specifically peanut butter, is very much an elementary and nursery school phenomenon. I have been able to find very few middle schools and no public high schools that ban peanut butter.
I have compassion for parents who have children with food allergies. What I don’t have compassion for is that these parents, who represent 2-4% of all children are trying to impose restrictions on the other 95% or greater percentage of the population. Yes, it’s scary to think that a neighbor’s pb&j might hurt your child, but why can’t you teach your child to have agency for themselves? I have met five year olds who could remember to ask “does that have nuts?” before accepting strange food, or who always said “no, thank you” when strange food was offered to them.
Having taught in “poor” districts as well as wealthy ones, I also am beginning to view this as a class issue. WIC, the welfare program that helps poor women and children as well as food stamps are both strong proponents of peanut butter. It’s a low cost, high protein, high satiety food. For poor families, peanut butter is often the only choice for lunch food. Sure there’s school lunch, if the family is willing to let the kids get free lunch (reduced is often still too expensive) but then you have to assume the child in question is willing to eat it. Banning peanut butter is going to affect poor children significantly more than wealthier ones whose parents can afford soy butter or healthier choices.
I have met a lot of mothers who don’t work once their kids are in full day school. These parents are often the ones leading the crusade to ban this or to do that. It’s not that I think women should have to work-the 70’s were about choice, after all. I’m choosing to stay home for the next bit of time, myself. But it does seem to me that when parents have nothing better to do than to focus on their kids instead of on themselves, their own development and their own fulfillment that things like food allergies get blown so far out of proportion because they have NOTHING else to focus on. Again, this looks more like a class issue to me. Poor moms don’t have time to get involved in this nonsense because they’re too busy working. It’s the wealthy moms who have the time and the lack of things besides being a mom that can waste hours and hours in conference with teachers and administrators. These moms are the backbone of the schools and we do appreciate them, but they sometimes get a little power mad and begin to obsess over minutae.
I can, perhaps, see the value in banning certain foods at the nursery school level. Those are children a bit too young to always be smart about what they’re supposed to be eating or not eating. Food allergies often disappear by age 5, if they’re going to, and nursery school kids may not need to learn the same lessons that Kidnergarten kids and older will. I think it’s worthwhile to have discussions around food allergies in elementary school and to even practice saying “no thank you” or whatever scripts are appropriate. But outright banning is going a bit too far. There are kids allergic to dairy, and they’re not banning milk.
If Emby has a peanut allergy, I will be devastated for purely selfish reasons. I love peanut butter. But if she does develop an allergy, we will have to teach her how to deal with it in the real world. Not every restaurant in the world has lacks nuts, and I will not demand that friends rid their houses of peanut butter before I visit with her. We will talk about labels, and how to read them. We will talk about epi pens, and how to use them. We’ll do everything we can to keep her safe without putting the responsibility unreasonably onto others. But most of all, we won’t put her in a plastic bubble.
Banning foods from schools seems like another way to try and keep kids “safe,” whatever that means. We have lockdown drills and fire drills. We talk about stranger danger (regardless of the fact that most abductions happen from known personages, as do most rapes, not incidentally). We warn them about tabacco, alcohol and drugs. In some districts we even talk about safe sex. While it’s not futile, it doesn’t actually protect them.
Teaching children how to cross the road safely didn’t keep two students I’ve know in the past 5 years who were hit by cars while crossing the street–one when he got off the school bus and the other who was just being stupid and not paying attention to where he was going.
Banning foods may be an effort to keep kids safe, but eventually kids grow up and have to live in the real world. You’re not doing them any favors when you ban the foods–you’re only delaying the inevitable lessons that allergic and non-allergic children alike need to learn.
Dear Emby
I’m a few days late on the 25 week letter–today I’m 26 weeks and 2 days. But I think you’ll understand 
During your 25th week of gestation, we moved into the townhouse we’ll bring you home to. It was a harrowing weekend for me. As you will learn, undoubtably, I like to be organized and in charge, and because of the pregnancy, I had to take things far more easily than I normally do. Your grandma and great-aunt did most of the packing and as a result, there were lots of conversations between Daddy and I where he would ask me where something was and I had no clue.
Lady, our kitty, who I hope will live long enough for you to remember and love (she’s 16 this year, so the odds are reasonable, but not great that she’ll still be around when you’re old enough to remember her) pulled an escape from the bathroom we’d locked her in for her own safety while the movers were bringing in furniture. This gave both Mommy and Daddy a minor heart attack, but things resolved safely for everyone, and Lady in enjoying her first apartment with stairs.
I tried to unpack as much as I can, but Daddy and I need to make a trip to IKEA to buy some more bookcases and a new bureau for ourselves, so we can give you our current bureau. Your room has only your things in it. I’ve had the pleasure of hanging up most of your adorable clothes, and setting up a bookcase with your books on it and some stuffed animals. We still have work to do before we’re totally unpacked.
On Friday, we saw the OB. She said you are currently in breech position, which means your butt is on my cervix and your legs are over your face. We tried to get a look at your face in 3D, but your legs were over your face. You’re measuring a few days small, which is the first time this has happened in the pregnancy. The doctor says it’s okay, but I worry all the same. We also learned that she is not going to let me go past my due date of November 10th, so that means you will be here in no more than 96 days. Exciting and scary for me.
Over the weekend we got to see your Aunt A, who is going to have a baby a few weeks before me. I got a picture of the two of us with our bellies, and I hope to be able to add a picture of us holding you and her baby when you’re out of the womb.
In the meantime, stay and grow my dearest.
love
Mommy
